Adapted from: Wrestling Through Adversity

The restraints of time

From the Dark Ages, the treatment of those mentally ill has progressed from chaining to a wall those afflicted with mental disturbances who never saw the light of day, and from the reports as late as the 1940s by a noted psychiatric nurse and educator, Hildegard Peplau, who wrote that in the mental hospital where she worked “bad” inmates lived in the miasma of the rank underground bunkers, while the “good” patients danced in the ballroom above.

In Peplau’s archival papers I accessed at the Schlesinger Library  at Harvard that houses the history of famous women, she spoke about the cruelty directed towards secluded patients by saying,

At Highland Hospital [in Ashville, NC], there were some rooms in the basement that had mattresses on the floor; food was served through the grate. A few bad patients were kept in seclusion for years and years. These patients were kept like animals.

You may think, however, that this harsh seclusion of real people happened in the past because you’re not aware that in U.S. emergency rooms today, our young people on the brink of despair and suicide are held hostage for psychiatric care that is shown in the following  example in the 21^st century as explicated in Chapter 11 of my book: Wrestling Through Adversity: Empowering Children, Teens, & Young Adults to Win in Life.

In 2022, it was reported that at 18 a young adult on the autism spectrum languished in a Maryland ER for a total of 76 days while waiting for psychiatric care. His skin turned pale from lack of sunlight. Everything worsened for Zach because he had little awareness  of his surroundings and was limited in speech. Confused, he lashed out at the staff, so he was put in restraints and was sedated. This made his body shake all over.

The staff in the ER admitted that they only knew how to care for physical problems, like broken bones and heart attacks in cases like this and did not know what to do to improve Zach’s mental health. His loving parents, who were empathetic to his needs, were banned from visiting, which made things worse. Shortly after Zach was admitted into a psychiatric facility for his mental distress, he had a grand mal seizure and died. His parents were informed by phone. Can you imagine their feelings?

Lack of empathy impacts on our mental health

In these three cases cited above, there was a lack of empathy by the medical staff for those who had mental disturbances, which makes us feel helpless like Zach’s parents. However, there is something we, as a society, can do now when all seems lost, because, at long last, we are experiencing a wake-up call to help our children. This represents a breakthrough in which healthcare professionals and societies are beginning to understand that mental health is integral to overall health and is more than the absence of symptoms of psychological distress.

What gives us hope is that we are learning that to raise emotionally strong kids, the mastery important to us all includes the acquisition of the capacity to reflect, the ability to relate to one another on a deep level emotionally, and the know-how to empathize—that is, to put ourselves in the shoes of others, which is largely governed by how we are taught and learn experientially as children, even if a small genetic component is factored in.

We’re beginning to see the light

Researchers are pointing out now that resilient young people who possess these qualities wrestle through adversity by using their innate Mind Power when they have the ability to do so, which leads to more successful lives in health, in business, in families, in sports, in the classroom, and in their communities as upright citizens. So, it is up to us, as parents, teachers, coaches, grandparents, healthcare professionals and others to reflect upon how we acquired emotional intelligence and the know-how to empathize as young people and what helped us or hindered us to achieve success.

How I learned empathy, hands-on

Let’s start with using me as an example. I was 16 when I entered nursing school. Being clueless about nursing except for a traumatic surgery I experienced in childhood, I was eager to grow into my starched student nurse uniform and probation cap to learn primarily by trial-and-error how to care for patients as “persons.” During the first semester, students learned the art and science of nursing in a classroom lab while working with dummies. The first clinical skill taught was the administration of an intramuscular (IM) injection. At first, we practiced on an orange, and then on our roommates, making sure not to hurt them.

On the day of my clinical trial in a large open hospital ward, I felt confident when handling my first injection on a patient, who was a cute 18-year-old male. However, the process did not go as planned. My fingers fumbled nervously while drawing up the antibiotic into a syringe when the slippery glass barrel fell on the contaminated floor, along with the curative drug. Being warned to speed up the process by my instructor on my second attempt, I rushed to the bedside with an alcohol swab and syringe equipped with needle in hand, which proved to be prophetic.

As instructed, I drew an iodine “cross” on his right buttock to avoid the sciatic nerve, but my hands were shaking when I raised the syringe high above the target of the upper-outer quadrant of his butt. The instructor yelled “shoot, shoot,” so I did! The patient said the injection did not hurt at all—the reason being, I missed the assigned target and injected the forefinger of my left hand instead. When the sharp needle lodged in my bone, the syringe stood upright, like a wooden soldier.

I turned to the instructor and said: “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” because it hurt. She pulled back the bedside curtain, and it was curtains for me as she left me stranded. With her hands raised in despair, she growled: “You are really bad at this. I give up on you.” I was so mortified and felt like a dummy, which was reflected in my grade that lowered my GPA. (See “How to Communicate with Your Teen.”)

When I told my dad about the mishap, he injected some humor into it. There I stood in tears, telling him I wanted to quit school, when he burst out laughing hysterically. Back then, I did not think it was so funny, but now I see how he encouraged me to return to school and taught me that laughter is the best medicine. As you can see, my father helped me to become resilient and bounce back by assuring me that it was my first try and that I would learn what to do and would improve.

As for the nursing instructor, she not only discouraged me as a fearful young student nurse, but years later I met up with her during an interview to enter a bachelor’s program for nursing, and when she recognized me, she told me that dumb RNs like me would never pass the grades in the university and would fail. I was so irritated when leaving the interview that I vowed to graduate with honors, which I achieved by earning the highest grades in my class—summa cum laude—and was selected as a candidate for Valedictorian at graduation.

How do you teach empathy to kids?

After reflecting on how you learned empathy as a child, you can now use these key strategies to teach your children how to win in life:

• Empathize with your children by acknowledging and validating their emotions when they are upset. This will help them feel understood.
• Model empathy in your own interactions with others. Lead by example.
• Label feelings when discussing a situation with your child.
• Use open-ended questions to encourage discussion about emotions.
• Pay full attention when actively listening while your child is sharing feelings and thoughts.
• Read stories with emotional depth and discuss how the characters are feeling.
• Start young to incorporate “feelings” into their everyday lives.
• Have patience with them while they are learning what to do.
• Show them that errors are opportunities to grow after they make mistakes.
• Avoid judgments such as “You are good because you won” or “You are bad because you lost.”
• Incorporate Mindful Toughness® skill sets, such as mental rehearsal and feedback loop analysis to empower your child emotionally through Mind Power.

What are the benefits of teaching empathy?

There is a plethora of benefits that are bestowed on children who learn how to empathize, such as having strong connections to others leading to meaningful friendships, equipping kids with conflict resolution skill sets, defending against bullying, enhancing emotional intelligence, experiencing mental well-being, improving tolerance and acceptance of others, and having a positive impact in community and society.

From a peak performance perspective, it is a win-win situation to teach young people empathy. To learn more  about this topic and about Mindful Toughness® skill sets, access my websites at: https://www.idealperformance.net and https://www.drchristinesilverstein.com, and subscribe to my YouTube channel The Young Navigator.