Adapted from: Wrestling Through Adversity

A panicked dad

The father of a 17-year-old son, Marty, who is a high school wrestler, called me in panic to say that his son’s performance on the mat and at school in his junior year is poor and that he refuses to wrestle. His dad is distraught because he believes that he has given his son all the opportunities to succeed, that is, he attends the best private school, has a private coach to teach him high level skills, and has the talent to be the best in his weight class and to earn a college scholarship. What Marty is experiencing from my perspective as a peak performance coach is burnout and disempowerment, which is common for athletes in this age group when they have to win at all costs, and they are unprepared psychologically to handle the pressure.

A son under pressure

His parents care for their son in their own way but are having marital discord and are in great turmoil. Marty stated that he feels “used” when his weight class fluctuates up and down, like a yoyo, at his coach’s whim. He tries to speak up, but no one listens at a crucial time in his life because his 18^th birthday is approaching, and he will soon become a young adult with even more responsibilities to win. He had only one session, and I gave him some focusing and deep breathing tools as best I could, but he hasn’t returned to learning what to do to help himself grow.

Since I’ve worked with a multitude of young people from my first day in office over 25 years ago, I, as a hypno-coach, have seen this sad scenario many times over with clients. In addition, I have also assisted young people during their rite of passage from being teenagers to graduating into young adulthood. I accomplished this by educating teens on how to navigate the transition with Mindful Toughness® skillsets before their 18^th birthday so that they don’t wake up surprised the next day by the reality that what comes with gaining freedom are responsibilities and legalities that accompany independent young adulthood. If not prepared properly—mentally, spiritually, and emotionally—this life transition could turn into panic quickly. How does this unpreparedness occur in US society during a mental health crisis of our youth with high rates of anxiety and depression?

Who’s the grownup?

Well, firstly, it seems that some parents, lay people, and even healthcare professionals do not hold the highest regard  or respect for teens because of their reputation as being unruly, risktakers, hard to work with, dumb, obstinate, and downright oppositional. This is because adults do not know how to care for teens or try to talk to them or learn what to do to understand them. In fact, at times, teens are the butt of jokes and are ridiculed. I’ve seen this myself in the following case scenario.

An adolescent psychiatrist spoke at a local library and gave tips for parenting teens to a packed audience. He started off his address by making a joke about them in which he said that it was an “oxymoron” for parents to even think that their teens had brains. The doctor then laughed at his own joke, but the audience responded with dead silence.

Regardless, the psychiatrist, who should have known better, continued to speak about the litany of dangerous risks that teens take part in, such as drugs, alcohol, cults, pregnancies, homicides, suicides, unhealthy Internet interactions, and drunk driving. He left no stone unturned while citing statistical studies to prove his points.

As you can imagine, this scared the parents, particularly since he did not tell them what to do to prevent these risk-taking behaviors, except for his recommendation that their teens get a psychiatric evaluation at his office and be put on drugs. A mom who spoke about her son having challenges focusing on school and having difficulty getting adequate sleep at night—two behaviors teens may typically exhibit normally—was diagnosed on the spot from the podium, and she was told that her son should be taking medication for ADHD, which I think embarrassed her somewhat.

Supposedly, the doctor’s topic was on teens having amazing brains, but he made no mention of this in practical terms but showed studies of neuroscientists and graphs on PowerPoint slides, just to appear “scientific.”

Before the presentation began, I attempted to leave my brochures of my program, “Winning Ways for Teens” but was told that I was not vetted so I could not leave them out on the table. During the talk, I sat in the audience alongside the moms and was a participant observer. The women sitting nearby looked alarmed by what the adolescent psychiatrist said. When asked, they had no questions for him. I followed them out of the auditorium and asked if they learned how to help their teens by the doctor’s comments, and they said no. I told them about my program and handed them my brochure, stating that there are things they could do to help their teens help themselves.

A case in point is another 17-year-old high school wrestler, Chandler, whose case story I presented in my book, Wrestling Through Adversity: Empowering Children, Teens, & Young Adults to Win in Life. He was turning 18 and had life issues both on and off the mat that were similar to Marty’s, but, after he worked with me in my program, “Winning Ways for Wrestlers,” he figured out what to do and felt empowered to help himself despite the odds. The main concerns of Chandler’s father, a retired police officer, were that his son was not winning enough matches and that he wanted to quit his honors math class for the gifted.

A teen comes of age

Chandler questioned why he should work so hard in AP Calculus if he could take an easier course for college prep and get an A. As a junior in high school, he had not yet won a starter position on the wrestling team. Instead, he was extensively used as a fill-in. This action often placed Chandler’s health in jeopardy because of his yo-yo dieting to make weight in higher and lower weight classes. This bothered Chandler, who believed he worked harder than everyone else to earn his spot, and he felt he was being taken advantage of emotionally.

During the nine one-hour sessions, we worked with self-hypnosis, mental rehearsal, positive self-talk, and feedback loop analysis. In addition, to make him  more independent from his father’s control, we used the Affect Bridge Technique to rid him of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) of his past. We talked about how his father was opposed to his working at a fast-food restaurant, and we built up a dialogue to oppose his dad’s opinion to  win his case in debate. I helped him find his voice, by repeating: “You can now say all the words you thought you never could.”

On one occasion, he had his plans of action A, B, and C ready to go and was prepared for a match up with a known opponent in his own weight class. He was excited to wrestle him to see how his new skillsets worked. However, on the day of the tournament at the last minute, his coach switched him to replace a teammate who wrestled two weight classes higher. Before he got to the mat, his coach said: “Whatever you do, stay off your back.” He did so but lost the match.

On the next visit to my office, Chandler was distraught when he talked about how embarrassed he was and how he felt weakened during the match. We put it on the feedback loop and the two other matches he won. We made plans for Chandler to set himself up during the summer by attending tournaments and by establishing a winning record, so he had leverage to earn his place on the team in his senior year. We mentally rehearsed what he would say to his coach. In addition, we talked about the potential of remaining in his honors math class with his cohort, and he decided he would further develop his talent and major in math in college.

However, we no sooner entered the waiting room in my office, when his father borrowed a phrase from Knute Rockne by asking if Chandler told me about how he “won for the Gipper” and sacrificed his win for another teammate. In other words, he referred to how Chandler stayed off his back and lost for which his dad seemed proud.

After hearing his comment, Chandler found his voice, by rebounding, “Dad, why are you focusing on how great that match was that I lost and not on the other two that I won?” His father stated adamantly that his son should not work because his grades would suffer. Chandler’s firm reply was, “Dad, I already applied for the job, and I start next week. I’ll keep my grades up.” Since he had recently gotten his driver’s license, he further added, “I need the money, Dad, because I want to borrow your car.” Then he questioned him, asking, “Do you know how much gasoline costs?”

After this, with his head held high, Chandler swaggered out the doorway of my office with a big smile on his face, while his dad followed behind. He was the man in charge and the victor, for sure!

Empowerment skillsets Chandler learned:

• How to set goals and accomplish them on and off the mat
• Mindful Toughness® skillsets that are portable from the wrestling room to the classroom, and from high school to college
• Feedback loop analysis and how to improve his performance by using it
• Conflict resolution and negotiation skills
• How to build plans of action and mentally rehearse them
• What it feels like to be empowered and to stand up for oneself beyond the mat
• How to win a wrestle off and become a starter on the team
• How to be an independent practitioner as a burgeoning young adult
• The value of his gifts in math, his friendships within his cohort, and potential for a career
• How to be in the driver’s seat and pay for his own gas

To learn more about my programs visit idealperformance.net and drchristinesilverstein.com, read my book: Wrestling Through Adversity, watch my full video “Winning Ways for Teens” to learn  more, and subscribe to my YouTube channel at The Young Navigator.